The Forgotten Teddy Bear

Girls suck. Girls lie and girls cheat. As a matter of fact they are way better at it than guys. They can get away with anything with a vulnerable look and a sympathetic presence.

I am not a saint. I’ve failed. I have made mistakes and I have made poor choices. But I have never done anything with the intention of hurting another person by my actions. If it’s something that requires me to hurt another person it’s not something I really want bad enough. I’ve actually done the opposite. I’ve sacrificed my happiness and my spot for the better of others.

It puzzles me and makes me feel sick to my stomach to see people act so selfish. To be reckless with their lives. To behave so cold that they don’t realize their actions leave ripples. They leave influence whether they want it to or not. I guess it’s their choice to ignore it and be oblivious or not.

I feel hurt. I feel betrayed. I don’t even know if I have a right to feel this way but I do. I feel disappointed. It’s the same situation when you see your friend make a major mistake. It feels so out of character that you feel bad for him, but you also feel bad for you. It’s makes you wonder if you ever really knew that person. That trust then vanishes with a single major mistake.

I am a truth seeker. I don’t watch mass media. I don’t like to participate in casual conversation. I don’t even Facebook anymore. When I hear a rumor or gossip I like to take it with a grain of salt. I comprehend the story through the person telling me it, but I also try to put myself in the other persons shoes. I want to see the other side. To be the person who is being made to look bad. But instead of trying to assume too much I typically just go straight to the source. I ask what really happened and how they felt.

Now the major obstacle that I face is that I may never know the truth. Time has passed and wounds have healed. It’s only now that I’ve become aware of the situation. Is it too late to find out the whole truth? Tragically I may never have that chance and it’s killing me.

I feel like I’ve played the role of the fool without really getting anything out of it. I guess that’s what happens when you care. You get left out in the street getting ready to be blind sided by traffic while others just watch it happen.

The saddest truth of them all is that I’ll continue to play the fool. I see the best in people. I want the best for people. Sometimes I can see the potential in them before they see it in themselves. It’s just a matter or time and living life before something clicks and it comes to fruition. Sadly I’m not usually around when this transformation happens. Nor will they ever acknowledge my efforts.

I’ll play the fool and I’ll hurt. I’ll hide away in my dungeon and sew up my stitches like a forgotten teddy bear. I’ll get by pretending it doesn’t bother me when it does. I’ll continue to care about people who don’t give a second thought about me. It’s just my nature I suppose. But my nature also starts to doubt and starts to worry. Will anyone really ever feel the same way about me? Will they sacrifice themselves to make me happy? Because at the moment I’ve lost all faith in women.

@The_CoachBA