One of the things you learn in life is that one of the most difficult periods of time is that of a high school freshman girl. You have this battle of wanting to be liked, but not trying to hard. You want to chase boys, but not come off as a slut. It seems like no matter what you do, someone is judging you. Even when you do nothing at all. I never had to deal with this myself being a male and having no sisters. I would like to think that I was pretty perceptive in my teenage years and listened very well to the struggles of my peers. But this story is not about me. This is my story about Jessica Bea.
As previously stated, being a freshman girl is a very difficult time for many growing up. That was the year I met Jessica. I was a senior in high school at the time. I met Jessica’s sister, Jamie through random chance. Jamie happened to be working her last two weeks at a hotel as I was coming on to take her spot. She did part of my training and we talked during the slow nights. Jamie was a sophomore. I could only imagine what it was like for both of them. Their father was a preacher or pastor of some kind in our small town of only a handful of churches. I could only imagine the pressure that came with being the daughter of someone who took to being a servant of God. That pressure within the house hold to be a good person and follow the bible. Jamie was lucky enough to have a boyfriend. She had found someone very special to her I believe when they were in 8th grade together. They were still together by her sophomore year. Jessica was different though. I could just tell it with her eyes. She was curious and adventurous. Her spirit had a fire that burned. She wanted to explore and learn things. She wanted to go to the big parties and see all the things she had been missing. Though pressures from her family and her sister she always practiced restraint and kept herself on the side lines for most things. By doing that this caused her to seclude herself from the rest of her class mates. So comes freshman year of high school she was perceived to be some kind of a weirdo loner. Luckily for her, I met her on our third day of the school year.
A lot of students in high school try to rush through their classes so that by their senior year they can be lazy and do whatever they want to do. They load up all their semesters with credits so by senior year they can have multiple study halls and sometimes have so much free time they only have to be in school half the day or just enough to qualify for sports. That’s how you end up seeing seniors in freshman classes of creative writing and shop 101. I was never one that fell in line with that thinking. I knew I was going to be involved in sports and eventually part time jobs after school. I knew I wasn’t going to have a lot of free time for homework after school, so each semester I made sure my counselor got me one study hall period. Instead of wasting my time in these studies halls I took advantage and actually finished all my homework and studied for tests. That’s how my first semester of my senior year I ended up in the library for my study hall.
It was a big enough school that you didn’t know everybody, but small enough that you were aware of who most people were. Being a senior who played sports, partook in social events, and found his way involved in several pranks between classes I was pretty well known. For whatever reason I had a reputation as being some type of charming ladies man. A “player” if you will. The most ironic part about it was that I loved and respected women so much I never even dated. I knew I’d feel guilty for leading them on. I had to grow up quick and knew a high school relationship just didn’t seem realistic for me. Instead I just had a lot of female friends. Those friends knew I wasn’t trying to seduce them or use them for sex and therefore they felt very comfortable talking to me. Some of them did take advantage of that notion and used me to make their boyfriends jealous. This I only found out after the fact or in that moment. I also found myself playing cupid in a lot of instances because I knew both of the parties involved and could nudge them in the right direction to getting noticed or making things happen. But enough of that back story!
My first day I went to the wrong study hall, so I ended up showing up to the library late and the librarian was upset with me for showing up late. I ended up sitting with a friend of mine. He was a junior. He was kind of a chatty Cathy as you would say. I knew that if I sat with him I’d never get any homework done. Luckily this being the first day we weren’t going over anything but syllabuses and rules. My second day I got there early and picked my own table off in a corner. The library was less full that day for whatever reason so that not all the tables had to have two people per table. I had just started reading some book for some American Literature class but wasn’t really into it. I kept drifting off and watching all the people in the library. I saw some sleeping, I saw some drawing, and I saw others exchanging notes back and forth. I saw one girl that was pretty cute sitting by herself. She had that appearance that you were attracted to her, but it wasn’t obviously so. The type that you knew your parents would approve and like you to date. I found myself watching her because I hadn’t seen her before and wondered why she would be sitting alone. She seemed very proper and was reading a book I could tell wasn’t on any curriculum. It was intriguing. That day when we left the library I over heard some girls talking about her and how they thought she was weird. That’s when I learned her name and realized I knew her older sister.
The third day I was talking to my favorite teacher about a project that was due later in the semester so I was running a little bit late. I got the library study hall just as the bell rang. I had some casual school friends in this study hall. Especially after everyone’s schedules were getting fixed and adjusted by this day. I knew most of them would be a huge distraction and would never let me get any homework done. A few of them did the whole “hey over here. I saved you a seat” without making it completely obvious or loud to get themselves in trouble. Instead I decided to sit at Jessica’s table in the middle table in the library. I tried to pretend I didn’t see her eyes or read her face from behind her book as she watched me sit down across from her. All that I could see was her thinking “he’s not really going to sit here. Oh my god he’s sitting down. Okay just try to be cool. Who cares that he’s a senior. It’s just a study hall. He doesn’t even know who you are.” I couldn’t help but get a kick out of it judging her reaction that she was trying to suppress. I could even hear one of my friends saying “what are you doing?”
“Hey” I said putting my books down on the table and sitting in the chair. I reached out my hand to introduce myself. “I’m Brian. You’re Jessica right?” She shook my hand dumbfounded.
“How do you know my name?” She asked curious. I smiled.
“I know your sister. I worked with her a little bit. She said she had a sister and you guys do look a lot alike.” I almost said it’s a good thing you’re single because you’re definitely cuter than your sister, but I didn’t. I knew she was already going to be nervous just talking to me.
“Oh ok.” She said going back to her book. It was almost like she didn’t like that answer.
“How’s your first week going I asked?”
“It’s fine. Classes don’t seem that bad.” She said without looking away from her book. I had a feeling she was trying to come off as cool and nonchalant. I didn’t want to make her nervous so I left her alone and did some reading of my own.
The next day I came in and sat with her again. I said hello and then started working on homework. We didn’t say anything else. The day after that I did it again. It was Friday so after the bell hit and we all headed towards the door I made sure to say “have a good weekend Jessica.” For whatever reason I knew it was going to drive her crazy all weekend that I did that. I was right.
That next Monday I came in and sat down. She was working on some homework already so I didn’t say anything to interrupt her. I had all my homework done so I ended up sitting back in my chair people watching the majority of the study hall.
“So what made you decide to sit with me?” She asked. She finally was staring at me gauging my reaction. I wanted to say I thought she was cute, or that I thought she might need a friend since I knew being a freshman girl was tough. But those aren’t the type of things girls want to hear when you first meet them. It makes it seem like you’re trying to get in their pants. Or that you feel sorry for them.
“I thought you would be a good study hall partner.”
“What do you mean by that?”
“It just seemed to me you would have a good head on your shoulders. You would know that if I sit down with three textbooks I’m not looking to chit chat the whole time. I have to get this stuff done. But at the same time we don’t know much about one another so it could be fun to get to know each other.” She accepted my answer and then gave me a funny look.
“Any how often do you sit down in study halls with girls you don’t know?”
“There was one other time. She ended up falling in love with one of my best friends.” It was the truth. I had done this once before. I didn’t want to take the chance that she’d find out about it from someone else and get the wrong idea. Like I said it wasn’t that big of a school. I’m sure she already knew even when she asked me. It was for the same reason though. You see a freshman look lost and uneasy when they enter a room where they don’t know anyone and It’s never fun to feel like that. I’ve always been the one to try and include someone who feels like they’re on the outside looking in. I knew it was probably too early to tell her that.
“Seriously? Who?”
“The best friend? Oh you probably won’t know him.”
“Try me.” I told her my best friends name and she knew him. She asked for the girls name and I told her that to. She had a shocked look on her face and she thought that I had dated this girl. I told her we were just friends. We hung out sometimes but it was more like big brother little sister than anything.
It was like after we had this conversation the big wall she was hiding behind came down. Slowly but surely our conversations grew and evolved. She even got as confident to pick on me for things and even admit she knew things about me I hadn’t told her. It was flattering of course, and I couldn’t help but smile. I was happy to hear she had made some new friends as well. I knew high school could be tough for people coming in who didn’t have any real friends. It also wasn’t hard to notice that certain days she’d put in extra effort into her appearance when she had something she had to talk to me about that day. I didn’t want her to develop those romantic feelings because I knew I would only let her down, but I knew that was the road we were probably going down. It’s really difficult for guys and girls to be friends when they both have physically attractive features. Especially at that age.
The semester went by pretty fast. For me it was a lot of been there done that, but for her everything was new and first time. I enjoyed reliving some of her moments as my own. The first big dances. The football games. The class wars during home coming. She didn’t participate in everything, but she did experience it in some form or another and asked me questions about the rest. I definitely had my fair share of stories to tell her. I think she was half impressed and half entertained with most of the things I had done with my friends while not getting in trouble and keeping a good head on my shoulders.
I could see the writing on the walls as the semester was coming to an end. We were about to lose touch. We didn’t have the same study hall for the 2nd semester. I couldn’t ask for her number without it seeming like I was romantically interested in her. A few of her new friends had already given me the notion that Jessica was interested in me romantically. Girl’s that age are never very subtle. I also knew she would never ask me for it for fear of embarrassment. Although there was no way I wouldn’t have given it to her. Texting had become a major thing at this point in my life as almost all teenagers had a cell phone by the time they reached high school. But she never asked, even though I hoped she would. I’ll even go as far as admit that on some rough days in school it was nice to have that one friendly face at the end of the day to talk to without any judgment on what I was doing or what I had done in my past. Sometimes it’s easier to have meaningful conversations with people when they don’t know about all your baggage. They can look at the issue in question with the best objectivity and without bias. They almost look at it with optimism, because they can see the best in you. I always enjoyed having conversations with people like that.
The semester came and went though. The last few days were incredibly awkward. We obviously had become friends with some limitations. But senior guys and freshman girls are not friends in the eyes of your peers. The outside view always assumes something romantically or sexually is going on. The relationship seemed to die off as fast as it had begun. The candle you buy at the store thinking it’ll last you a few months, only to realize it lasted a week because you burned the wick more than you expected.
In the northern area of Illinois that we grew up in we got cold temperatures and snow every winter. Due to that, the start of the 2nd half of school sometimes got moved back a few days due to snow storms, and bad roads. Certain families always found a way to throw a Christmas party or New Years Eve party before heading back to school. The following months after that even when school had started back up again there wasn’t really much to do. The snow and the ice clogged up the roads that most people didn’t want to do anything outside or go anywhere. Or if they did they stayed where they were visiting for a few days. It somehow ended up being a great time for high school kids to throw parties when their parents were stuck out of town due to the weather. It was late January when I finally got to see Jessica again.
I had quit one of my part time jobs because I was going out for baseball that semester. I found myself with more time than I was expecting to have. Since it was my senior year I was trying my best to do all these high school things with my friends for the last time. I always had this sense that I was going to miss doing something while I was still doing it. Even if it wasn’t really anything special, like sitting on my friends couch late at night with a few friends watching movies and shooting the shit about life and dreams. It was something we seemed to do every weekend, but I knew it would be different once we went away to college or finished high school and got jobs.
This night a friend of mine was throwing a party at his parent’s house. His parent’s had taken a trip down to Florida as an anniversary trip and then got stuck there due to flights getting cancelled or postponed flying back to the Chicago airport. I didn’t drink while I was in high school so it didn’t really matter how early or how late I showed up to the party. Usually it was more entertaining the later I showed up because the drunker they got the more honest they were with their words and stories. Although the more intellectual conversations, that I loved to have, seemed to be impossible passed 11 PM. I also knew I would be asked for rides home the moment I got there. On this night I was the designated driver so I had to pick up a few friends after they got off work. It was time consuming because they all had to shower and get ready and then meet up with someone to buy them beer. We didn’t even end up at our friend Kurt’s house until 10:30 PM.
I was only there for about an hour when I happened to walk into the kitchen and saw Jessica with a beer in her hands. I knew she had never drank before. She wasn’t even sure how she felt about under age drinking. I saw some junior guys and girls trying to pressure her into taking some shots. I could tell by the way a guy was standing next to her he was interested in her and already feeling a little drunk. At first I kind of stood back by the fridge to see how she was going to handle it. With me she had built that confidence and comfort that I knew she didn’t have a problem standing up for herself and telling me If I was wrong. But with strangers I wasn’t sure how she would react.
I could tell she had already had at least a drink or two and wasn’t sure what to say, but I could tell she didn’t want to take shots. It was probably her first time drinking a beer period. The guy was trying to convince her that it would be fun and he could take care of her if she felt sick. The guy was a sophomore and kind of a creep to me. Before she could make up her mind or do anything I walked over and put my arm around her.
“Hey beautiful. I’ve been waiting to see you. Come talk to me for a second.” I said. While everyone was looking at me no one recognized the shock in Jessica’s face for what I said. She was probably the only one who didn’t believe what I was saying.
“Oh hey man. I didn’t know…” The guy said as his words trailed off.
“It’s all good man. Hey you guys have a good night. Take a shot for me.” I said pointing to the shots that were waiting to be taken on the kitchen counter. They proceeded to rally up and take their shots while I walked Jessica into the other room. She was very excited to see me.
“Oh my god! I can’t believe you’re here! How are you?” She said ecstatic. “Wait did you call me beautiful?” She asked a little flirtacious. I could see her blush a little bit. I couldn’t help but laugh.
“Do you even know whose house you’re at?” I asked. She leaned into me and tried to whisper to me but failed at her discretion.
“I have no clue whose place this is. One of my friends brought us here.” I laughed again. Well you’re at my friend’s house. This is Kurt’s house. He’s a nice guy. But honestly I don’t think he knows half of the people here.”
“Oh my. I should probably go say hello and introduce myself.” She said. I could officially tell she was drunk. I laughed.
“I think it’s okay. He probably doesn’t care that you’re here. Are you supposed to be staying at someone’s house tonight or are you supposed to be home at a certain time?”
“Oh I’m staying the night at Chelsea’s house. I don’t think you know her.”
“I don’t. Is she here? Can you point her out to me? Maybe I know her brother or sister.” We walked through the living room and did a quick look over the rest of the place. Jessica couldn’t find her. “Was there another party you guys were trying to go to tonight?”
“Not that I know. She just wanted to come see some guy tonight. I thought it could be fun.”
“Yeah I guess.” I said kind of sarcastically. “Do you even know where she lives?”
“Hmm…” She said looking at her phone for an address. “I don’t know exactly where she lives, but I know I have an address in here somewhere.”
“Do you know which boy she was trying to see?”
“It was this guy Randy I think.”
“Randy Hernandez?” I asked.
“Yeah that’s the one.” She said smiling. “You know everybody!” I did know Randy. He had graduated a year before me and stayed in town. He was working for some food factory in the area. Yet he still found his way to all the high school parties. He was an okay guy when he was sober. When he got drunk he was a complete psycho. I could only imagine she came here thinking she would flirt with him and hope to kiss him only to find out he was a crazy person when he was drinking and saw him with another girl. He had an on again off again relationship with this girl I knew for at least the last two years. I had to assume this Chelsea chick saw something she didn’t expect and left Jessica here alone after she freaked out.
“Do I have permission to look at your phone Jess?” I asked grabbing her phone. She kind of laughed and grabbed her phone back.
“I don’t want you to look at my phone. I might have some dirty pics on there.” She said trying to come off as flirtacious. I grabbed her face with both of my hands to get her attention.
“Jessica. This is not you. You’re not with friends who have your best intentions in mind. I know you don’t have dirty pics in your phone. And that’s okay. Don’t let anyone make you feel bad about that.” She leaned in and put her head on my chest. I let her fall into me and gave her a hug.
“I’m going to get you out of here. You want to go for a ride? Grab a bite with me?” I asked.
“Yeah sure. I could eat.” She said continuing to hug me while she collapsed into my chest.
After I got Jessica in my car I headed back to the party. I had to let the guys know that I drove there that I was trying to sober this girl up and take her home. I hoped they could find someone else to drive them home, but if not just call my cell phone and let me know. Like most weekends, I felt like the taxi driver for most of my friends that didn’t know how to handle their alcohol, or their emotions. On this night the two guys that I drove both understood and knew they could probably find a couch or a love cushion somewhere in Kurt’s basement to fall asleep on for the night.
There was only one place in our small town that stayed opened passed ten o’clock and that was McDonalds. They must of made decent money relying on all the drunk kids and adults each weekend. I went through the drive through and got us both a burger and some chicken nuggets with a Gatorade. Of course in this small town I knew the kid that was working on the drive through and made sure to shoot the breeze with him a few minutes since there wasn’t a line passed me. He shook his head and laughed that I was once again driving some drunk person home and trying to sober them up. It was always interesting that while I never hung out with guys like this, I really had more in common with them than the people I grew up with playing sports and partying with. I was a blue collar worker that wanted what was best for most people. Even when they couldn’t realize their potential themselves.
We had a small park in town for fishing. They closed these gates to the parking lot after 9 PM but it really wasn’t that hard to just drive around the gates. Other than the blacktop parking lot it was all grass anyways. It was between two major factory company properties. No cops really monitored the area. It was almost too obvious of a place to go and get busted that it was easily the best place to go and hang out if you weren’t drinking or smoking weed. That’s where I took Jessica to sober up.
We ate our sandwiches and nuggets and just sat there listening to the music. I knew she was drunk so I waited for her to initiate a weird conversation. Or else I just expected for her to fall asleep and wait it out a few hours until the sun started to come up. I knew once she sobered up she would be embarrassed that I had to come to her rescue. She did fall asleep in my car around 1 AM. I briefly looked through her phone. That friend that she was staying with didn’t even bother to send her a text message wondering where she was at. I looked for an address in her phone but couldn’t find it. She must have told her while she was at school. I knew I couldn’t take her back to my home. It wasn’t like she was one of my guy friends. I just sat there in the parking lot trying to rest my eyes. I hoped that once she sobered up and woke up she would have an idea of what to do. Unfortunately I fell asleep in my car as well.
She woke me up around 7 AM and asked where we were. I laughed and said that if you were to ever get drunk again you needed to find someone to pick you up, or a place that you knew was safe to crash and fall asleep. This park was one of them. She just rolled her eyes at me. By now most places were open so we ran through Burger King for some breakfast fast food. We didn’t do a lot of talking. I could tell she had a lot of things on her mind and I just waited for her to talk. We finished our food and I parked a block away from her parents house. She got out of my car and shut the door and said “thank you.” I just smiled. I didn’t think a thing of it. It wasn’t something I hadn’t done a half dozen time before for my other friends. She walked about ten steps away and then walked back to my driver side door.
“Can I ask you something?” She asked.
“Sure can.” I said with a chuckle.
“Why did you put your arm around me at that party? Was it because of the boy?” She asked serious. I decided this wasn’t the time to be funny. It wasn’t a funny walk of shame anymore.
“I thought you look uncomfortable. I thought you looked like you didn’t want to let them down and you wanted to fit in, but at the same time I knew you didn’t really want to be taking shots with them. So I wanted to be your excuse not to.”
“So why not take the shot for me? Why did you put your arm around me and call me beautiful?” I put my hand on her hand that was resting on my open window.
“Jess, I don’t drink. That would be out of my character. But to call someone beautiful, that’s not.”
“Do you really think that? Or were you just living up to your persona?” I smiled.
“Jess you are beautiful. You’re smart and clever. I can see this. Many guys will see this as well. But it’s up to you to believe it. No one on this earth can make you see something if you can’t understand it yourself.” She took a step back and looked around. She paused. I could tell a wave of emotions and thoughts were going through her head.
“How come you never asked for my number? Honestly. Was it because I’m a good girl? A preacher’s daughter.” She said mockingly. I got out of my car and leaned against the drivers side door. I needed a second to put my words together. How could I possibly explain this without sounding like an ego manic? When in doubt it’s always my philosophy to be honest. Even when it hurts.
“I feel like no matter what I say it’s going to be taken the wrong way.”
“Well try.” I paused again.
“Jess I don’t care if you’re a good girl or a bad girl. I don’t care if you’re the preacher’s daughter or a stripper’s daughter. I could see the possibilities of where this might go if I asked for your number.”
“What do you mean?”
“Is there any way that I could ask for a girls number and her not think it was because I was interested in her? Romantically? Because I don’t. Look no offense but I’m graduating in a few months. Sure I’ll be around for summer, but then I’m going away to college.”
“So because I’m a freshman?”
“I’m sorry. I want that real college experience. I want to be open to anything. I know I’m being presumptuous, but if we got together and dated there’s no way you would have ever gotten the whole version of me. I would have always been looking down the road towards a different future. A future that wouldn’t include you. And I’m not that guy that dates a girl just to fool around with her for awhile. That’s not me, and it wouldn’t have been fair to you.” She paused and looked away. I could tell she was thinking about the things I said. I wasn’t sure if she was really mature enough to understand where I was coming from. I knew that in her mind all she was probably feeling was rejected and misunderstood. Which I knew and of course made me feel like crap. She walked over and gave me a hug.
“Thanks for driving me home.” She said quietly. I could tell she was fighting back some tears. She started to walk away.
“Hey.” I said. she paused and looked back. “I put my number in your phone.” I said opening the door. “Just in case” I said smiling while getting into my car. I could see she smiled but tried to hide it. I didn’t put it under my name. I put it under Study Hall Partner.
Whether fortunate or unfortunately Jessica never called or texted me. I finished off my last semester of high school and enjoyed a last hoorah with my high school friends before going away to college. I lived on campus at a university about six hours away. For me it was far enough away that I wouldn’t come home every weekend, yet close enough that I could come home to do my laundry and not miss out on any holidays. I knew distance was a good thing for me. I wanted to grow and the only way to do that was to go out into the world without all your safety bags. The only way to grow your comfort zone is to go outside of it and then expand. After that first year of growing and not feeling home sick, I went away even farther to a university in Florida. Sure I came back home for winter breaks and summers but I never happened to run into Jessica ever again. I always dreamed of the best for her, but never really knew. We never ran in similar circles and for all I knew she had moved to another town the year after I left. I never truly knew.
It had been ten years since I had come home for longer than 5 days, but here I was now sitting in a bar in the town I grew up in on a Wednesday night. I had recently quit my job. I hadn’t had a serious relationship in over a year. My brother had recently been arrested and was in jail. My dad had been injured on the job and was unemployed, and my mom was dealing with a second round of cancer. Needless to say it felt like my world had gone to shit within a two month span. All I wanted was to feel was nothing. Nothing would allow me to sleep. Nothing would allow me to function. Feeling nothing was my goal for the night. I had booked a hotel and I told my family I couldn’t be back until Friday. I knew the moment I walked through the doors of my Mom’s house it was expected of me to start solving issues and putting out fires. I just wasn’t ready for it yet.
I had about six or seven drinks before the bartender cut me off. It was a Wednesday night so they weren’t very busy, and it was pretty easy to keep tabs on me. When he did I got angry and started cussing at the bartender. Then the few other regulars started cussing back at me for being a drunk asshole, so I started cussing back at them. I ended up asking for a water and moved away from the bar to go sit at an empty table away from everyone.
A woman came over and wrapped her arms around me and said “Hey handsome, it’s been a long time.” I couldn’t even bare to look over at her. I knew I had burned quite a few bridge with people over the years. Whether it was intentional or not. I could only imagine what trouble I was in for now. Before I could even answer she let go and took a seat at the chair across from me. Still as beautiful as I remembered, but now looking like a mature woman, sat Jessica.
“What are you doing here?” I asked curious, but also trying not to sound completely drunk.
“My cousin is married to regular here. So whenever I get off work I pop in here to make sure he doesn’t need a ride home. They live down the road from me.” I smiled.
“Sounds like the girl I remember.”
“Oh I don’t know. It’s been so long. I don’t think I could live up to those expectations. I was so shy and naïve back then.”
“Well you’re still as pretty as ever.” She smiled but I could tell she could only take it as a half truth. She had obviously dealt with her share of drunks and knew you couldn’t believe half of what they said.
“Did you pay your bill yet?” She asked.
“Yeah. I’m just mentally prepping myself for the walk to my hotel. It’s cold out there.”
“Well I’ll give you a ride.” She said.
“Oh that’s okay. I can walk.”
“I’m not asking.” She said standing up and putting her hand on my forearm.
“Look at you acting all confident” I said without thinking. She just laughed and started putting on her coat.
It was winter and their was snow on the ground. The walk was only two blocks, but in my shape it might have felt like it was two miles. It was definitely a good thing she showed up and gave me a ride. She even escorted me up to my hotel room. I took all my winter clothes off and then collapsed onto the bed. She grabbed a cup and filled it with water and walked over and told me to drink it. I sipped it a little on and off. I knew the hangover would suck, but I wanted the buzz so I could fall asleep. I vaguely drifted in and out of sleep. I know I overheard her calling someone on her cell phone.
In the morning she was laying in the bed, fully clothed, next to me. I couldn’t remember if anything happened, but I woke up before she did with the urge to pee. It was still pretty early so I quietly got out of bed to pee and then tried to return to bed without waking her up. My head felt like shit. I knew I needed at least a few more hours of sleep. Once I got back in bed though she woke up.
“Good morning” She whispered. “How do you feel?”
“My heads killing me.” I said. “But now I’m completely lost at what happened last night, and I’m starting to believe I’m hallucinating now.” She couldn’t help but laugh at me.
“Nothing happened. I just watched you fall asleep. I thought I had some questions for you, but then I realized it doesn’t really matter.”
“What do you mean?” I asked.
“I think I had questions for that 17 year old boy I had a huge crush on, but you’re not him anymore.”
“Try me.” I said. “You have my curiosity now.”
“You know… honestly… it’s just kind of stupid now. It’s a lot of what if’s, but that doesn’t really change anything. I think the only thing I’d like to know is if you’re okay? Because it doesn’t seem like you are.”
“With most women I’d say that’s a trick question, but honestly I don’t know. I have some family shit I need to deal with first before I can really deal with my own crap.”
“Well that sucks. I’m sorry to hear that. Is there anything I can do for you now?”
“Nope. Just need some real sleep. I appreciate you getting me here though.”
“Yeah no problem.” She said rolling out of the bed. She walked over to the chair and grabbed her jacket and started to put on her winter clothing. I knew it was no place for me to ask her to stay even if we were just sleeping together. It just felt very comfortable, like an old blanket or stuffed bear you had when you were a toddler.
“Hey. I think I’m going to be in town for a little bit. You still have my number? Maybe we can get together sometime.”
“That’s probably not a good idea.” She said.
“Why’s that?” I asked slightly offended. She wrapped her scarf around her neck.
“I’m engaged.”
“What?” I said shocked sitting up in the bed. It just came out of my mouth. I wasn’t even expecting it.
“Yeah I know right? And you have this ability to just draw me in somehow. It’s not a good idea.”
“I understand.” I said. I couldn’t help but feeling let down by it.
As she left the room a part of me wanted to stop her. To tell her that maybe the timing was wrong when we initially met, but maybe it was fate that brought me back to town and running into her. I always had this hopeless romantic belief that when it was right things just lined up perfectly. As if Cupid himself had come down and changed the course of history so a person would run into the other person they’re met to be with. Over the years though I figured out this wasn’t true. The only “fate” there was in this world was the one you made for yourself. I knew it would be incredibly selfish of me to do that for her. To interfere in her life and mess with the relationship she had. I hadn’t talked to her in over a decade. I had no idea who she truly was. Just an idea of who she could be. So I let her go.
I laid there for a few more hours drifting in and out of sleep. Most of it was spent thinking about the roads not taken. The what ifs and the what nots. Of course the majority of it was spent thinking about her. Why didn’t I believe in dating in high school? Maybe I’d be better off if I did and wasn’t so practical about my emotions and my feelings. Maybe I should have dated her. In high school a long relationship would be considered over three months anyway. Who knows what might have happened. Would we have ended up like one of those romance novels? I wondered why she never texted me, and how I was so preoccupied with my own things that I never even questioned why she hadn’t until it was too late.
I finally gave up my half attempt to sleep anymore. I took a warm shower and put on a brave face. Whether it was the alcohol or whether it was the presence of a caring woman I had slept like a surgery patient on narcotics. It was blissful and peaceful. But like any good things, it just felt like it wasn’t enough. It was Thursday and I still had the entire day to myself before my family had expected me to be there. I wanted to go over to my old favorite place to get brunch but they had closed down. I guess it was a good reminder that everything changes and the world goes on. I ended up settling for some fast food and then drove around the town I grew up in figuring out what else had changed since the last time I had been home.
I drove passed a church to see if the hoop was still up where we used to play midnight basketball. The hoop was on the side of the church in the parking lot. A street light was positioned perfectly towards the hoop for our games. I drove passed the kids play ground where I had many memories. It looked like it hadn’t changed at all besides a fresh coat of paint. I remembered going streaking there with a friend because some girls said we would never do it while we were in high school. I parked in the parking lot of the baseball fields where I played little league and junior league. I hit my first home run here. I got my first kiss there in the bleachers. I remembered the moment when I realized the power my sexuality had on females when I was 14. I had to laugh out loud. There was no way six single girls were there to watch baseball when they didn’t even know who Ken Griffey Jr. was. I remembered teasing them showing off my sliding shorts when I walked down to the bullpen to warm up for a game.
As fun as it was thinking about the memories. They were just that: memories. The majority of these relationships and interactions never led to much. A lot of false pretext and roads not taken. I started to wonder if this was how life was, or if it was simply a flaw in my DNA. I drove down a few more streets reflecting on friends houses I used to hang out at. I wondered if their parents were still there. I knew from my mom most of them still were. I couldn’t help but think about a few houses were parties were thrown and was curious what the home was like now a decade later.
I had done a lot of reflecting on my life and myself. I knew that eventually you just have to face the music and step up and deal with problems. I knew I had wasted enough time and it was time to go home and do my part to make things easier. I drove down a road and got stopped at a stop sign. There was a flower shop on the corner and without meaning to I glanced inside the windows. It was no surprise that Jessica was in there at the counter talking to another lady. There was three bundles of white flowers in vases. I couldn’t help but smile. I knew in that instance that I was happy for her. I didn’t need to know her whole story. I didn’t need to understand what made her tick. It was perfectly okay to just be happy for someone you once knew and not have a regret. In a way seeing her there in that shop gave me a sense of closure. It was as if things had come full circle. I remembered the first day in study hall that I sat down across from her. She had those same white flowers on her notebook. It was weird that my subconscious remembered that about her. On that day I felt like doing a simple act of kindness for a freshman girl without knowing where it might have led. Then that simple act of kindness many years later came back to me when she helped a drunk old crush stumble into his hotel bed and then made sure he was okay. My fate in humanity hadn’t been restored, but it sure was nice to remember that good people were still out there.
B. B. R. 
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